TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have A different area the place American men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Everybody a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from House, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it Trump Tower Damascus spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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